Blessing the Beloved: An Alternative to Eishet Chayil for Opposite & Same Sex Couples

Blessing the Beloved: An Alternative to Eishet Chayil for Opposite & Same Sex Couples

This excerpt from Marcia Falk‘s “The Book of Blessings” offers an alternative ceremony to Eishet Chayil, based on verses in the Song of Songs. Because of the gendered nature of Hebrew language, the author offers one English translation along with both the Hebrew and English transliteration for opposite-sex couples and same-sex male and female couples. Falk beings with an introduction explaining why she created this alternative ritual, which offers couples a way to honor each other’s worth each week, while moving away from the text of Eishet Chayil, which she feels is  patronizing, misogynistic, and unrealistic. The dialogue structure of the text from the Song of Songs implies reciprocity and mutual respect in relationships and sexuality. The author also suggests ways in which this text can be used for those who are not part of a couple. Marcia Falk is a feminist poet, painter, writer, and Judaic scholar, best known for “The Book of Blessings” in which she re-creates Jewish prayer with new blessings, poems, and meditations that focus on the sacred potential of each moment. 

Blessing the Beloved

Following the blessing of the children on Sabbath eve, it has become customary to recite Proverbs 31:10-31, a hymn known as “eyshet-hayil,” “a woman of valor,” which sings the praises of the ideal mother and wife. Originally introduced on Sabbath eve by the kabbalists, who recited it as a wedding song to the Shekhinah, eyshet-hayil has come to be recited in traditional homes as a tribute to the wife and mother of the family.

While the intent behind this recitation may be loving, many Jewish women today find it patronizing. Not only does eyshet-hayil present an idealized portrait of womanhood that no real woman could possibly live up to, it suggests that a woman’s worth lies essentially in her value to others – specifically, her husband and children. And yet the underlying idea of honoring one’s partner seems worth preserving: just as we bless our children on the eve of the Sabbath, it seems fitting that we should pause to appreciate others with whom we share our lives, in particular, life partners and intimate friends.

For this purpose, I offer three Hebrew dialogues, for same-sex and opposite-sex couples, adapted from the Song of Songs 1:15-16 and 7:7. The only collection of love poetry in the Bible, the Song of Songs has long been associated with the Sabbath, particularly among Sephardic communities, many of whom chant it in its entirety on Sabbath eve. This unique biblical book, with its lyric celebration of eros, is a fitting expression of the sensual pleasure that tradition especially encourages on the Sabbath. It is also an inspiring portrayal of mutuality in relationships. The lovers in the Song of Songs declare affection, invite each other to lovemaking, and share compliments and praise using language that is entirely free of sexual stereotyping. Women and men both take initiative, and no matter who initiates a particular encounter (in the dialogue on which “Blessing the Beloved” is based, it happens to be the male who speaks first), the relationship grows from a to-and-fro exchange and is never based on domination and subordination. For people in couples, the Song of Songs offers a model of intimacy and reciprocity that is particularly fitting for the Sabbath – a day set aside for appreciation, rather than utilization, of the world’s gifts.

Of course, not everyone is part of a couple, and even members of a couple are not always in each other’s company. By choice or by chance, many of us find ourselves without partners, at least some of the time, on Sabbath eves. For those who are celebrating the Sabbath alone, the Sabbath itself may be embraced as a faithful friend who accompanies one in self-restoration. This concept is not purely a modern one: it has roots in the early midrash proposing that the people of Israel is the Sabbath’s rightful partner, compensating the Sabbath for not having been given a mate in creation (Genesis Rabbah 11:9). Over the centuries, poets have written many paeans to the Sabbath day, some of which portray it as a beloved or a longed-for friend (the tenth-century Hebrew poet Yehudah Halevi has written magnificently on this subject). The figure of the Sabbath bride depicted in the kabbalistic poem “l’kha, dodi” – and re-created in my Kabbalat Shabbat ceremony as “L’khu, Rey’ot V’rey’im: Greeting the Sabbath Bride” – is another embodiment of this idea. Thus “L’khu, Rey’ot V’rey’im” is another possible reading for this moment in the “Kabbalat P’ney Shabbat ritual.”

General Translation

One partner: How fine you are, my love, how fine you are.

The other partner: How fine are you, my love, what joy is ours.

Together: Of all pleasure, how sweet is the taste of love.

Between Woman & Man (Transliteration)

 To a woman: Hinakh yafah, ra’yati, hin’akh yafah.

Response, to a man: Hin’kha yafeh, dodi, af na’im.

Together: Mah-yafit umah-na’amt, ahavah bata’anugim.

Between Woman & Man (Hebrew)

לאהובה: הנך יפה, רעיתי, הנך יפה.

לאהוב: הנך יפה, דודי, אך נעים.

יחד: מה-יפית ומה-נעמת, אהבה בתענוגים.

Between Two Women (Transliteration)

 To a woman: Hinakh yafah, ra’yati, hin’akh yafah.

 Response, to a woman: Hinakh yafah, ra’yati af na’imah.

 Together: Mah-yafit umah-na’amt, ahavah bata’anugim.

Between Two Women (Hebrew)

לאהובה: הנך יפה, רעיתי, הנך יפה.

לאהובה: הנך יפה, רעיתי, אך נעימה.

יחד: מה-יפית ומה-נעמת, אהבה בתענוגים.

Between Two Men (Transliteration)

To a man: Hin’kha yafeh, dodi, hin’kha yafeh.

Response, to a man: Hin’kha yafeh, dodi, af na’im.

Together: Mah-yafit umah-na’amt, ahava bata’anugim.

Between Two Men (Hebrew)

לאהוב: הנך יפה, דודי, הנך יפה.

לאהוב: הנך יפה, דודי, אך נעים.

יחד: מה-יפית ומה-נעמת, אהבה בתענוגים.